


"Act More Like Siblings" and Other Stupid Ficlets

by riot3672



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Bathrooms, Crack, F/M, Ficlet Collection, Fluff and Humor, Humor, Implied/Referenced Incest, Mistaken Identity, POV Multiple, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Siblings, background stucky, dumb humor, sibling antics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-13
Updated: 2015-09-13
Packaged: 2018-04-20 15:14:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4792319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/riot3672/pseuds/riot3672
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve wishes Pietro and Wanda would stop going to third base in the living room. Clint tries to watch a movie but Pietro and Wanda have to act like idiots with chewing gum. Wanda wants gender segregated bathrooms. Pietro attempts another prank encasing Wanda in his track jacket. All crack/fluff.</p>
            </blockquote>





	"Act More Like Siblings" and Other Stupid Ficlets

"Act More like Siblings"

Steve had just about had it. It was enough of an adjustment that Pietro and Wanda were in fact more couple than siblings, but making out—like full face eating, Pietro’s hands up Wanda’s skirt making out—in the living room was just _rude_. 

“Hey!” Steve said as he and Natasha walked into the living room, intending to have a nice breakfast.

They didn’t react. Steve tried again. “Pietro, Wanda!”

Still nothing.

Natasha looked to Steve and shook her head. “Watch,” she said.

Her method was to walk up to Pietro, grab a chunk of his hair, and physically tug him off his sister. He came off crying in pain and swearing, and Wanda shot up. Eye contact was made.

“Sorry,” she mouthed, wiping her hand across her forehead. 

Steve resisted ranting about it. They knew. They’d interpret it wrong. He tried.

“I just—I wish you two would act a little more like siblings in public,” he said. 

God, no, he shouldn’t have said that. Why did he say that? The twins had been saying for months that he was their closest ally, and he needed to get over his prejudice—

Pietro smiled from his spot sprawled across the floor from where Natasha had left him. “More like siblings, you say?”

Steve shifted. “I didn’t—”

Pietro got to his feet. “Whatever you say, Cap.”

So fast Steve nearly couldn’t follow, Pietro pinned his sister to the couch and…and spat a giant, slow-moving gob of salvia on his Wanda’s face. She thrashed, her hexes blazing, but it was no use.

“FUCK YOU, STEVE!” was the last thing Wanda said to him the rest of the day.

 

* * *

 

"Gum"

Clint loved the twins. Clint was proud of the fact that he and Natasha had been the first ones to figure out that the twins were in love and the first ones that they told. But sometimes he couldn’t wrap his brain around it. He had no interest in calling them “sister/girlfriend” and “brother/boyfriend,” and would love if he could just pick one, but those two were more flip-floppily about how they went about which distinction they preferred than Mitt Romney during the 2012 election. 

Take right then. Clint was trying to flip through channels, being _almost_ tempted to leave it on the stupid Gerard Butler/Katherine Heigl comedy, particularly annoyed by Katherine Heigl’s character’s idiotic insistence to keep on her vibrating panties, being controlled by some kid, while sitting in a restaurant with her boss. Even he had figured out the obvious solution: _go to the bathroom and take off the panties._

And there were the twins, sitting pretty casually on the other side of the couch, their only contact Wanda’s head on Pietro’s shoulder. Pietro wasn’t making any raunchy jokes about vibrating panties, even if Clint could tell, just _tell_ that he bought Wanda obnoxious sex toys all the time. 

Neither of them were talking. Just watching, Pietro chewing his gum stupidly loud. 

“Hey Pietro?” Wanda said during a commercial break.

“Yeah?”

“Can I have some gum?”

Pietro pulled out his pack of gum, put it down, and proceeded to shove his mouth against Wanda’s. Like, instant face eating.

Thank God, it ended quickly.

Wanda seemed to gag a little, and spat out a piece of gum. 

“Not that kind of gum!” Wanda hissed. 

Wanda lifted her hand and pushed the gum forward.

In the exact moment it would’ve landed on Pietro’s forehead, Pietro turned to face Clint, grinning.

The gum went right into his stupid white dyed hair.

Wanda gasped, Pietro’s eyes widened, and Clint started to laugh. Ugly laugh. Slowly, Pietro looked to Wanda, glaring. Now, Wanda started to laugh too.

“Peanut butter,” Clint said. “Cooper gets gum in Lila’s hair all the time.”

As Clint watched Wanda spread peanut butter into her brother’s hair, he decided he’d just call them brother and sister. They were far too big of dorks for any romance to override that.

 

* * *

 "Segregated Bathrooms"

No one liked morning meetings. Wanda was no exception. No one liked complaining circle morning meets. Wanda was _definitely_ no exception.

Especially this time, as she watched Pietro practically vibrate to keep his face straight.

“Okay…Wanda, you’re next,” Steve said as they all sat around the meeting table, no one but Tony actually very awake.

Wanda glanced at Pietro and went into her little proposal. “Okay, so this is…kind of small, but I thought it was worth mentioning. So, in the residence area we’re forced to share bathrooms. That’s fine. I don’t really care about that. I just don’t see the… _practicality_ in sharing a co-ed bathroom.” She tossed her hands up. “Look, I can live with Pietro. I don’t mind that. But there’s something that fundamentally just doesn’t work about guys and girls sharing bathrooms. Different needs, different functions, different problems.”

“What are you suggesting?” Tony asked.

“Either making the bathroom ratio one-to-one or designating bathrooms to men and women.”

“Well, we can’t do the one-to-one ratio.” Tony paused. “And the second one…I don’t know, Hermione, you might cause a whole lot of cockblocking.” Tony glanced around. “Well, excusing Steve and Bucky.”

“Is Pietro really that bad to live with?” Clint asked.

“It’s not about Pietro, it’s about general principles,” Wanda hissed. “If I have to share a bathroom with someone, I’d rather it be someone who doesn’t cringe every time he looks into a trashcan and sees wrapped up tampons, doesn’t use my razors, and can remember to put the seat down. It’ll stay cleaner, too.”

There was a long silence.

Then, everyone looked to Pietro.

He burst into a grin. “Wanda fell into the toilet this morning.” 

* * *

 "Jacket Snuggles"

Pietro lived for the little things. Someone making chocolate chip pancakes for no reason, the look of new running shoes, and zipping Wanda into his jacket.

Usually he’d just do it as a prank, to get some laughing and her cute little kitten anger. Other times, he’d use for practically purposes, if she were cold or down about something. It was a guaranteed joy for both of them.

That day, though, it was a prank day.

Wanda was sitting on the couch watching some tv show Pietro had never gotten into. Quiet, unassuming, the perfect victim. 

Pietro grinned, grabbed the edges of his jacket, and ran up to Wanda.

“Surprise Jacket Trap!” Pietro exclaimed as he shoved Wanda into the jacket.

“Pietro…”

Pietro swore his heart dropped into his stomach and both of them landed at his feet. He looked up slowly, and made eye contact with Wanda, lounging on the couch, a huge grin on her face.

Pietro bit his lip, too mortified to even look down at the lump in his jacket. “Who is this?” he mouthed.

Wanda continued to bite back laughter. “Nat.”

OH

“FUCK!” Pietro cried as he pulled his jacket off over Natasha’s head and went running out of the room faster than he’d been going in months of training.

The last thing he heard was Wanda’s hysteric laughing.

 


End file.
